I am struggling.
Struggle; to strive to achieve something in the face of difficulty
to make forceful efforts to get free of restraint or constriction
to have difficulty handling or coping
to make ones way with difficulty
Each of these definitions describes me. I am tired. I love God, and this is vulnerable for me to say, but I curse him with one hand and praise him with the other. I think of the scripture that says "faith is being sure of what we hope for, yet certain of what we cannot see." One hand raised in my hope "You are God there is no other, You are God there is none like you." One hand raised, well, with a "where are you...move, move, help, rescue, move!?"
"You are matchless, O Lord.
So our praise of You must rise above our humanity.
Magnificent is Your power.
Your wisdom has no limits.
And we lowly creatures aspire to praise You. What is a human being, but a tiny particle of Your creation? Each human carries within the mark of coming death. That mortality bears witness to human sinfulness. It declares to all that You rebuff the proud.
Yet despite our lowness, human beings aspire to praise You, though we be but a particle of Your creation. You awake in us a delight at praising You. You made us for Yourself, and Our heart is restless until it finds it's place of rest in You."