I am struggling.
Struggle; to strive to achieve something in the face of difficulty
to make forceful efforts to get free of restraint or constriction
to have difficulty handling or coping
to make ones way with difficulty
Each of these definitions describes me. I am tired. I love God, and this is vulnerable for me to say, but I curse him with one hand and praise him with the other. I think of the scripture that says "faith is being sure of what we hope for, yet certain of what we cannot see." One hand raised in my hope "You are God there is no other, You are God there is none like you." One hand raised, well, with a "where are you...move, move, help, rescue, move!?"
"You are matchless, O Lord.
So our praise of You must rise above our humanity.
Magnificent is Your power.
Your wisdom has no limits.
And we lowly creatures aspire to praise You. What is a human being, but a tiny particle of Your creation? Each human carries within the mark of coming death. That mortality bears witness to human sinfulness. It declares to all that You rebuff the proud.
Yet despite our lowness, human beings aspire to praise You, though we be but a particle of Your creation. You awake in us a delight at praising You. You made us for Yourself, and Our heart is restless until it finds it's place of rest in You."
Confessions
St. Augustine
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Hi Denise. I am really loving your blog. I really appreciate your honesty here. I struggle often as well in my faith. I think, though, with each time of struggling I grow closer to Him and more sure of His presence in my life.
ReplyDeleteOur faith is built in the valleys....your struggles are no surprise to God - He is working in you and for you even though sometimes it is hard to see how. I have been there so many times with they "why's" or "why not now's" --- I feel your pain, I really do and I pray that your struggling will soon become understanding. Isn't life hard sometimes? Hate that part. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh friend...thank you for opening your heart up so much to us. Sometimes I feel this immense connection to you through your writing...Thank you for being so vunerable and willing to share. I often think, if we didn't struggle, would we really need Him? I don't enjoy the struggles, but we are refined and molded & more in His image. May He saturated you with His sweet love & presence today. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteHey, girl. Hang in there. Float on the surface for a little while, tread water and catch your breath. Don't go too deep until you are strong and your spirit is lighter. I have walked that path before, too, you see... you can drown if you aren't careful. Float on your back, look at the sky, drink the rain.
ReplyDeleteThere is a time for everything under heaven... EVEN SADNESS AND TEARS. They will not last forever, but do not rush them away...
"In days of prosperity, be glad - but in days of adversity, consider : GOD has made one as well as the other." (The Preacher, in Ecclesiastes.)
What I'm saying is, we are free to be sad sometimes - it's not a sin and happiness should not be burdensome. You can't force it - it's a gift!
Oh, the struggle of accepting the day that the Lord has made - for what it is. Joy and happiness are not the same thing, after all.
(Have you ever read Martyn Lloyd-Jones' book called "Spiritual Depression, it's Causes and Cures?" It's wonderful - a classic - and from personal experience, it rings true and deep. He was a wonderful man, that Lloyd-Jones.
Another good read for times like these... Lamentations 3. And there you go - all the advice you didn't ask for!) :)
It won't last forever. Promise. But I will pray for you tonight, that the clouds will disperse soon and "joy will come in the morning."
Oh, Denise. How I wish we could get coffee together, and just 'be'.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you, your honesty, and your heart so much. And I am praying that you can feel God's sweet spirit and gently touch during this time.
Hang in there! This too, shall pass.
Transparency is the fuel for growth in my opinion. I'm not so sure why we are so scared to be vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteI've always appreciated your honesty. I'll be praying for you friend!
Thank you for sharing your heart Denise - and being so honest and vulnerable. When I wrote my "worthy" post the other day, i was so fearful of sharing and being vulnerable but i was able to see others have felt the same. You are seeing others (me included) who have been there, are there, and so many are praying for you. I hope you can see through the fog and find some sunshine and joy!
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you, my friend.
Oh girl, I can so relate to this.
ReplyDeleteHow are you doing today?
Praying for you, and wishing we DID live close together so we could have that girls night out!!
(((((((((((((Denise))))))))