I have heard this phrase a lot,"fake it till you make it."
Fake the- emotions, fitting in, the ability, the desire.
Sometimes faking it is necessary. If I didn't, I would stay home on my couch and choose not to engage. I would isolate myself when fear set in, I would sit in disbelief thinking myself incapable. If I didn't fake it, I would miss out on many blessings.
I have been reading C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. He talks about 'dressing up' like Christ.
For many of my Christ-life years I played dress up, playing a part I wanted to be ("I" being the keyword in the sentence). I dressed up as perfect Christian high schooler, Christian youth leader, intern, Christian preschool teacher, Christian camp employee, Christian friend, Christian wife, Christian parent with perfect kids, Christian wedding coordinator, nursery coordinator, Christian mentor, Bible-study leader, MOPS leader,and worship leader.
Now, I am not saying that these things are bad. I believe that God wanted me to be a part of these ministries. There have been too many blessings to count being a part of these ministries. But, sadly I wonder if I missed out on the GREATEST BLESSING- Jesus.
Instead of putting on Jesus, I put on pride with each new ministry. And I believed I was something. I really wanted to be something, because for too many years I had felt like a nothing.
Here is a conversation I had 5 yrs ago with a girl I mentored (a conversation I had when I thought I was something), "if God is making us perfect, finishing us to completion, well I'm there, He might as well take me home."
Can I just say ICK!!
PRAISE GOD that, "He builds it up, and He knocks it down, just to build it up even stronger"(words from Jill Phillips song Wrecking Ball).
I confess, I struggle. I want to be somebody, valued, wanted, needed, desired, treasured, believed in, capable, beautiful.... And it is hard to set this want aside, and put on Christ.
And I can't. But He can.
I know now that God is making me nothing, so that He can be the Something, the EVERYTHING, in my life.
But it isn't easy.
"The real Son of God is at your side. He is beginning to turn you into the same kind of thing as Himself. He is beginning, so to speak, to 'inject' His kind of life and thought, into you; beginning to turn the tin soldier into a live man. The part of you that does not like it is the part that is still tin."