fog

it was sunny when we left our house to make the 45 mile drive to fresno for dr. appt., shopping, and groceries. it was sunny, and then in the blink of an eye it was foggy. very foggy.
i motioned to the kids to, "look out the window, look at all the fog." they glanced, acknowledged it, and quickly returned to their reading.
it struck me that they weren't concerned about the fog, or their safety. they trusted that i would get them to our destination safely.
and i thought about the son, and the fog that has appeared in my life, and about how i want to trust that he will get me through the fog, and to our destination safely.

the fog-
in feb 07, at 33, i had a laparoscopic hysterectomy. endometriosis was found and my uterus was removed.
after the surgery i entered into a depression. 6 months after the surgery other health issue arose.

last march i began having severe pain in my right ovary. i hoped it was just a cyst (a very painful cyst). the pain persisted. after tests in june, i was told that i do have a cyst, on my left ovary. on my right i have a small mass. we do not know what it is, could be scar tissue from surgery, could be endometriosis, could be something else.
surgery was recommended.

i usually face situations head on, but i am physically and emotionally tired of having health problems. i decided to try progesterone cream to see if it would alleviate my symptoms. and really, to see if it would allow me to ignore the problem, and prolong the need for surgery.

the progesterone cream helped for a while. decreasing but not eliminating the pain.
until recently. i have had constant nausea (which may or may not be related to the endometriosis). and my right ovary causes constant stabbing pain.

i saw a dr. today, and here are my options- receive a medication that will shut down my ovaries, putting me in menopause. i can do this for as little as one month to a year. this will help me determine that the pain is in fact due to the ovary.

or i can have laparoscopic surgery. they will look at the ovaries, and determine at that time if i should have one or both removed. if both are removed i will be 35 and menopausal.
if one is removed, their is a likelihood that the other will need to be removed soon after.

fog.

fog.

ughh, fog.

i do not want to be menopausal at 35.

i do not want to be on hormone replacement therapy.

i do not want to be depressed.

surgery is expensive.

i do not want to be in pain.

and at this moment, i just want to be like my kids, not consumed by the fog, trusting that my father can get me to the destination.