I LOVE MY KIDS!!!! did you get that loud and clear? i love my kids!
Tuesday was an ordinary day of running errands- Borders, Barnes & Nobles,Walmart (uh huh , i know we ditched Target this time), Costco, Winco. Typically these type of days with 3 kids wear me out! But not this day, it seemed that in every step i took i thought to myself "i love my kids."
And i realized it isn't just my kids that i love, but it is the loving them that i love.
Before my big kids left for camp (and more camp), i was somewhere past the end of myself. i had become someone i didn't know, and had forgotten someone i enjoyed.
Like most moms, my days included a good bit of refereeing, frustration, and yelling.
My problem is that i am easily rattled, and become too emotionally involved in there squabbles. i want to do everything right, and i worry about how each situation will affect them; how to "train them in the way they should go", am i right, am i wrong, i'm the parent that's it, will they still love me, and how much will counseling cost when they are adults? By the time their father walks in the door i am drained and done.
I hope you do not read this and think i am complaining about my kids-
I HAVE GREAT KIDS! They're not hitters, or name callers, or bully's. They love and value each other, and are exceptional (in my motherly opinion). But they are children, and really people, and they (like all of us) have a difficult time "bearing with one another" all the time. And i, like most parents, have a difficult time bearing with them all the time.
i see now that their going to camp wasn't just for their benefit but for mine.
i was given a much needed break from the refereeing, frustration, and the yelling.
i had relief from the squabbles and the emotions that follow.
i found that I LIKE MYSELF! That i am not an overly emotional yelling mess.
And most importantly i found that i enjoy and genuinely love being their, teacher, taxi-van driver, chef, nurse, launderer, maid, playmate, lullabyer... mommy.
There noise and presence in my life is a rhythm that keeps me moving.
And this is exactly where i want to be.
Monterey Nov. 2005